i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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