remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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