He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Randomize
