Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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