Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I'm both gender and math confused
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
