i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Randomize
