I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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