At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
