I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
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