Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
