I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
