my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
