Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
