that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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