Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
