I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
