Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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