I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
