sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Are my feet made of real feet?
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
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