I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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