I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
