And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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