Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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