just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i may or may not be watching the land before time
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
