What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
We talked him into tasing himself.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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