the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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