you would pick up someone in the library
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Randomize
