I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
