he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
