so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
