Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
