drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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