sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
