I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
