he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
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