Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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