i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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