just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
