oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Randomize
