that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
