I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
