I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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