I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
