My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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