i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
being pregnant is like rehab
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
