ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
