Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
sex in a hospital.. check
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
