We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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