I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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