I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize