five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
