if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
