There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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