So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
