So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
