Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
