if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
