it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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