remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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