the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
